Lisa’s Story

Lisa's Story

  • Passionate
  • Caring
  • Tenacious
  • Determined
  • Intelligent

Without our faith, there is no story to tell. It was the only thing that carried us through.

Her ex-husband sexually abused their daughter. “No more shame. No more secrecy. No more silence.”

Two months after Lisa Gray divorced her ex-husband, she discovered that he had sexually abused her daughter Nikki throughout their seven-year marriage. Starting when Nikki was in third grade, the abuse continued until she was 15 years old. Thanks to her best friend’s encouragement, Nikki finally told her mother about her stepfather’s abuse after he moved out of their house. 

Lisa was shocked and ashamed to learn her daughter had been abused.

“As it started to settle in, I replayed it in my mind. How could this happen?” Lisa asked herself. “I had so much shame, so much guilt that I had brought this man into my house to molest my child. What kind of mother am I? The guilt and the shame were deafening—but at the same time I knew I had to do what was necessary for my daughter.”

The Weight of Undeserved Shame

Nikki felt ashamed because she believed she should have stopped the abuse earlier, but Lisa assured her that it was not her fault. 

“I had talked to my children about stranger danger,” said Lisa, “but never had conversations about what happens if you have to have dinner every night with the person abusing you.”

“I had talked to my children about stranger danger but never had conversations about what happens if you have to have dinner every night with the person abusing you.”

Lisa and Nikki had a close relationship, and at first, Lisa was confused about why Nikki hadn’t disclosed the abuse earlier. Yet, when the abuse started, Nikki was too young to understand what was happening, and as she got older, the shame and humiliation she felt prevented her from disclosing. She was also trying to protect her mother.

Reaching Out to the Police

Nikki and Lisa chose to report the abuse and were grateful to find that their local police were helpful throughout the process. 

The case eventually went to court, a year-long process that was extremely difficult for Nikki. Lisa noted the lengthy criminal trial process and how frustrating it can be for survivors at a time when they’re already vulnerable. “Once they’ve reached that spot where they’re willing to go public, they want something to be done,” explained Lisa, “but it seems to take an eternity.” 

Another deeply concerning issue with the length of many sexual abuse criminal trials is that the perpetrator may use the opportunity to continue abusing other victims.

Enduring a Criminal Trial

Lisa was not allowed to sit with Nikki to provide emotional support during the trial, a rule that compounded the hurt she felt at some of the questions Nikki was asked. Lisa saw that many questions were designed to find fault in her daughter’s story, which Nikki struggled to recall because it started in early childhood. 

“During the whole thing, they were trying to intimidate her,” stated Lisa. “My daughter suffered psychologically because we were in a small town and it became the talk of the town.” 

Throughout the year of the trial, Nikki became suicidal. Despite the difficulty of that time, Nikki is glad she sought justice. Her stepfather was convicted and sentenced to 15-40 years in prison.

Trauma Takes a Toll

Because of the sexual abuse she survived, Nikki has experienced both PTSD and depression. Commonly, sexual abuse survivors experience painful psychological reactions to their trauma; just as common but less known are the challenges faced by the loved ones of survivors. After learning of the abuse, Lisa endured PTSD, depression, and an eating disorder. Both Lisa and Nikki have found counseling helpful, and Lisa emphasized how important it is to find the right counselor for your needs—even if you have to meet a few to find a good fit.

Lisa’s healing process has been gradual, and she finds it helpful to talk through her feelings. “For me, I had to talk about it over and over again,” Lisa shared. “Some people have to talk about it, and some people don’t want to talk about it at all.” 

Lisa and Nikki’s connection to their faith and spirituality has also been crucial to healing. “Without our faith, there is no story to tell,” Lisa said. “It was the only thing that carried us through.”

Overcoming Hurt by Helping Survivors

Today, Lisa channels her pain into educating others on how to support survivors. “I want to prepare people for how to respond to someone who decides to share these personal and intimate details,” Lisa explains. “Some people find it very hard to handle your hurt. They don’t want to hear about it because they don’t know how to cope with it.” She’s also passionate about teaching children the correct names for their body parts early on and making sure they know they can always say, “No.”

“Some people find it very hard to handle your hurt. They don’t want to hear about it because they don’t know how to cope with it.”

Having dedicated her life to supporting and educating survivors and their loved ones, Lisa recently published a book about her perspective and experience as the mother of a survivor, entitled They Don’t Tell: Child Abuse: A Mother’s Perspective. She is in the process of writing three more books.

Lisa works as a minister and runs seminars in churches and schools on healing from sexual abuse. She also has a radio program and founded the nonprofit Every Step Counts Ministries, which helps to raise awareness and provide education about topics such as sexual abuse and sex trafficking.

Nikki, too, is living a full and abundant life; she was married last year and will soon earn her nursing degree.

“More than anything else, we have to let the victim know that the guilt is not theirs,” Lisa said. “But we also have to forgive ourselves. No more shame. No more secrecy. No more silence.”